Will it ever stop hurting?
Now when I’m older, I realize how funny it was for a 17 yo guy to hang out with me, at the time 4 years ols. I was waiting for mum’s friend to pick me up when he came to me. A promising football player. He seemed to notice me a lot earlier that day, asked around & found out I was present at team’s training almost every week. Then he just came to say hello. Said he was a newbie & asked if I could show him some quiet nice places. I cartainly did (also showed how to make puppy eyes to get candies in the canteen). That’s how it all began.
My mum loved him, still does, she thought it’d be nice for me to have an older guy to look up to, since she raised me alone. In a few years She stormed into my life… firstly, as his girlfriend. Wise woman, 17 years older than me, became my role model soon after we met. The image of perfect family, supporting me through good times and the bad. They got married, he became kinda famous. The local Beckham couple - they were called. 2 kids, perfect family, him - successfull footballer, her - music producer.
March 16, 2011. The next day - one football game for him, one Birthday of the member of the music group for her. It was decided to hold the party a day earlier. Shame I couldn’t go - studying for the test next morning. As far as I heard from phone calls, the party was fun. She always made sure everyone went home safe. Once I was stuck in the middle of nowhere at 3am, she drove 2.5 hours to pick me up. That night she offered a ride for one drunk guy. Never drank herself before driving…
March 17, 2011. Waking up at 5:30 isn’t very pleasant experience. I was having breakfast, watching the news… heard about traffic accident at night. The blue Bentley hit a snowbank, flew 150 meters and slammed into a tree. Something was just not right. They showed a car - just like hers. Immediate call to make sure she was at home, but I couldn’t reach neither her or him. Called her brother, he said he just heard bout the accident and was heading there, still not knowing if it was her car. He said he would call me as soon as he finds out. Just to make sure she was ok & safe at home.
Tick tock.
Couldn’t have breakfast, strange feeling like I was missing something.
Tick tock.
Why nobody answered when I called?
Tick tock.
She got her car for the Birthday less than a year ago. The ONLY blue Bentley in the city.
Tick tock.
One simple text from her brother: “Couldn’t be saved”.
That’s when my world stopped.
I keep dreaming. If it wasn’t for that bloody test I’ve never written anyway, I would be at the party. She would drive me home. Through that road. Through that turn which is dangerous even in the daylight, even in summer when there are no snowbanks blocking the view.
I have no idea why I am writing this. Probably losing 3 close friends through the last couple of months has shaken me more that I thought. But I still have a guy to look up to. He was in the game 2 days after the funeral. Angry, desperate, but life goes on. Something I should learn one day. Learn from him, look up to him, like I always did. It must be simple to let go. The most beautiful family I’ve ever seen now has 3 members. The group she was producing has fallen apart. That sucks, pissed me off but it’stheir choice and I respect it, no matter how I disagree. Anger won’t bring her back, just let go and live on.
My stories usually end with miracles. It’s not a fairy tale and there won’t be one. I don’t believe in miracles.
Goodbye, Marina. You will be remembered. My hero, my role model. Goodbye.
